Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
