a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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