I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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