And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
