I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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