Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
