I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
