giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
