Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
