Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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