i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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