i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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