booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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