my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
