Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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