When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
