So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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