and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
