false alarm. still invincible.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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