I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
