I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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