Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
