five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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