I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
