I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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