dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
