i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
