my shit smells like andre
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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