I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
We left the knife in your bed.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
