I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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