I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
