What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Randomize
