we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
