Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
