nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
