Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
