I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize