Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
