imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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