they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
