hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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