Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Vodka?
Forever.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
