I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
