Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
