He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize