Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
