What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I would fuck him just for his dog
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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