I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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