Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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