You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize