i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
