I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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