Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
