I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
