The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
