i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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