I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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