so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
