i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
