when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize