I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
