Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
