Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
