I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
