I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
