i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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