i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
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