when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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