They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
