And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
