Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
